Friday the 13th’s formula has always been a simple one — sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll, repeat. Jason Voorhees and randy co-eds, a healthy dose of final girls and smattering of Tommy Jarvis aside, the franchise we all know and love has produced more than its fair share of douche bags, and we have called upon the trusty computer of The Final Chapter’s Ted to determine the five who towered above the competition with regard to cringe-worthy behavior.
The reality is, such an antiquated technology had a difficult time establishing a list comprised of merely five, because there could have been far more. Hell, for as much as the old school computer in Teddy’s noggin wanted to include Crazy Ralph, Scott and Shelly, they simply weren’t slimy enough to make the cut.
Gorney was just a socially unskilled prophet of doom, for as much as Friday fans love Shelly, he was more an idiotic buffoon than anything, and while Ted talked a bit game, when the dust settled he couldn’t even convince one of the Double Mint twins to give him a shot, so in the end, he was harmless.
No, one needed to be a Deutsche bag of the highest order for inclusion, so without further delay, we present the list scientifically assembled by Ted’s computer.
Axel (Bruce Mahler) Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter
Though it would appear impossible, Axel was a bigger horn-ball than Teddy and certainly more perverted. Beyond cracking distastefully wise over the corpse of one of Chris’ friends, the jackass rested his sammich atop the carcass. And that was before he went to work on the nurse he just couldn’t resist. Let’s call her…Elaine. He crept up on her despite knowing she was unsettled by the endless stream of death that had been pouring in, and then wouldn’t let her watch the news because he felt the need to repeatedly turn to the eighties’ own special brand of at-home / porn arobicize and go in for the kill like a crazed rhinoceros.
Creighton Duke (Steven Williams) Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
It’s a dead heat between Manhattan, Hell and X for Camp Crystal Lake’s floor, but one thing the other two lacked was a snarky, finger-breaking bounty hunter who liked to befuddle media with talk of pink dresses, Oscar Mayers and Krispy Kremes. Whether or not you find JGTH the worst of the Friday flicks, one things is beyond dispute – Steven Williams’ Duke was highly entertaining. And nauseating.
Charles McCulloch (Peter Mark Richman) Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Power-hungry and convinced of the moral correctness of his every word, action and decision, Richman basically played the film version of Skip Bayless on a boat. Unfortunately for everyone involved, it was the Lazarus and not the Titanic. However, it kind of explains McCulloch tossing young Rennie into the drink. It wasn’t for something as sanctimonious as teaching her to survive, it was that she had been foolish enough to say that the Cowboys wouldn’t cover the spread.
Dr. Crews (Terry Kiser) Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
The not-so good doctor pushed Tina for reasons beyond therapeutic progress toward a better life. The man who was Bernie Lomax withheld important information for the betterment of his own career and financial standing because in his mind, Tina was the Hannibal Lecter to his Dr. Chilton — a means to an end. Dude even used Tina’s mother as a human shield for fuck sake. One can’t help but wonder if Dr. Crews wasn’t the inspiration for Rob Zombie’s presentation of Dr. Loomis in his second Halloween re-imagining? Regardless, Kiser’s performance was good enough for silver on this list, though the chance to walk by and offer a “Hey, Bern!” was almost enough for the top spot on the podium.
Trent (Travis Van Winkle) Friday the 13th (2009)
Series replete with douchebaggery though it may be, there were some tough choices and even harder cuts to reach the “peak” of the mountain, but the man who would stand above all others was never in question.
Trent was the arrogant and entitled rich kid who had accomplished little on his own, but liked to wave daddy’s success in the faces of everyone else. He was a dick to his girlfriend and pals, an inconsiderate, cocky-for-no-reason asswipe to Clay and when his lady disappeared for a few hours, big man didn’t hesitate to hop in the sack with another woman.
All that said, our boy went out a legend. First he bagged the finest Friday female in franchise history and followed that up with one of its most memorable deaths.
So, on this Friday the 13th, we raise our nasty, beer soaked Chewie sneaker to Trent, the standard by which all other Crystal Lake assholes shall be judged henceforth.
