The Cheesy Vamp Comedy ‘Once Bitten’ Turns 35

November 17, 2020

What does a vampire do when she needs the blood of a virgin to retain her not so eternally youthful beauty? She drinks the blood of a virgin, of course! But, where do you find a virgin in the 1980s? Apparently, it was an age of debauchery when virgins were few and far between. The Countess, played by Lauren Hutton never came looking for my blood. She somehow pegged a young Jim Carrey, in the role of Mark Kendall, for the virgin she was looking for. Yes, Once Bitten (1985) costarred the once celebrated Jim Carrey a whopping thirty-five years ago! That Jim Carrey, of In Living Color fame, or of Ace Ventura fame, of The Mask fame, The Cable Guy, Dumb and Dumber…how about just “of fame.” Everyone knows who he is, but thirty-five years ago? Where has the time gone?

There aren’t a lot of Jim Carrey movies I’ve watched more than once. It’s not a bias against his routine. He’s a familiar flavor. He’s funny, he’s extremely talented, but, man does he know his shtick? He’s been doing that ape walk, eyebrow dance, goofball giggle, and rubber face since 1985 (perhaps earlier)? Kudos, Jim. Who’d have thought he’d have landed a vampire movie opposite the legendary Lauren Hutton? Even in hindsight, it seems impossible. Someone recognized his physical comedy as a reminder of Jerry Lewis. It’s even in the script when his girlfriend (Karen Kopins’ Robin Pierce) tells him his hair makes him look like Jerry Lewis. It seemed to have been written just to give him the opportunity to refute the thought and do his De Niro impression. It seems De Niro is the most lampooned actor of all time, so why they chose that impression to highlight is questionable.

Before What We Do in the Shadows, they didn’t really know how to make vampires funny. Not even Leslie Nielsen could do it in Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995). Once Bitten is a movie to see once. Even the immortal Countess knows time is precious. While it’s not any worse than your typical ’80s vanity project disguised as entertainment, it’s truly forgettable. Jim Carrey would probably like to forget it. No modern script would allow for overt homophobia unless it was a plot point. Hutton’s vampire butler (not her familiar), Sebastian (Cleavon Little) didn’t wince even a little when Carrey’s character put his hand out for some skin when he blurted the line, “Later, Blood.” Minor race offenses are all too common in movies from the past, so pointing them out feels a little unfair. Giving the benefit of the doubt to white dudes of the time (only five years earlier, an old white lady “spoke Jive” in Airplane, and we could still laugh about it), Mark Kendall was supposed to be a bumbling teen virgin who acted like a buffoon. It was completely within character for Mark to change his vernacular when addressing Sebastian. What was interesting was the fact that Sebastian had come out of the closet in a gag to reveal the reason behind his effeminate characteristics. While the joke wasn’t clever, it showed there was a spectrum of acceptance at the time. Something like: As long as it’s not me or my friends. The shower scene where Mark’s friends were trying to surreptitiously spy two “sores” between his legs to find out if he’d been bitten was cute and harmless, but it got uncomfortable when fellow students saw what was happening. The language got ugly fast. The scene didn’t age well. Perhaps it needs some virgin blood.

Lauren Hutton manages to remain timeless, albeit stuck in a poorly conceived ’80s plot. Cleavon Little is perfection. Karen Kopins manages to retain her innocence even after a few cross lines, a right hook, and most importantly: after giving it up to save her boyfriend. The adorable high school couple were in the home of a vampire party with Mark’s two virgin buddies, and all they did was get lucky (as per typical ’80s plot punchlines). The Countess and her clutch must have been pretty dumb. They could have had three for the price of one. Instead, they made a Keystone Cops chase through her building to end it all so predictably before the credits roll.

To be fair, it actually is worth seeing in a MST3K kind of way. There’s a dance battle that needs to be an animated GIF. The brood’s coffins are an array of cartoonish stereotypes. The scene establishing Mark and Robin’s shared virginity is a classic MTV video pullback of a parking lot filled with rocking vans and convertibles. Lauren Hutton is dressed in an aerobics outfit at one point. And the inevitable “You must have woken up on the wrong side of the coffin” joke is only the tip of the iceberg on lazy writing. It’s good fun. It doesn’t age well, but what cheese does?