I’ll never forget the day I met Bruce Campbell. He’d been my B-movie hero ever since I first managed to get hold of a VHS copy of The Army of Darkness as a kid. Since then, I’d collected every VHS (and later DVD) that bore his likeness, as well as lying, cheating and stealing my way to various pieces of merchandise.
So, when I heard that he’d be appearing at the ‘Memorabilia’ event in Coventry, I knew I had to be there. I mean, what kind of super fan/creepy stalker would I be if I didn’t take this rare opportunity to meet my idol, shake his hand and reel off some awesome one-liner that would have him rolling around on the floor for hours? Hell, he might even use the one-liner in his next movie, as a subtle nod to the awesome kid who he met in Coventry. No one else would know, but Bruce and I would. It would be our little in-joke, and we’d be friends forever.
Of course, this wasn’t how things panned out at all.
To give a little context, I worked in a comic book store at the time. The store was located next to a big city, and it wasn’t uncommon for celebrities to pay us a visit whenever they were in town for a gig. Because of this, I had grown accustomed to chatting with and serving so-called ‘famous people’, and I figured I was pretty much a pro at it by this point. It turns out I’d been kidding myself all this time.
So, cut to that fateful day back in two-thousand-and-something, and I’m standing with my brother-in-law taking in the sights and sounds of ‘Memorabilia’ when… BOOM… a door opened and in walked Bruce Campbell. I don’t know whether it was his manly chin or white slacks/Hawaiian shirt combo, but I was transfixed immediately. He owned the room, as he swaggered through the crowd to his booth, entourage in tow.
I’m not sure how I ended up in his queue, but the next thing I knew there I was, with a photo of Bruce as Ash in my hand, ready to wow this genre icon with my wit and panache. My brother-in-law – who is also called Matt – went first, briefly chatting with Bruce as he signed his extra-large poster. Then it was my turn.
At that moment time seemed to slow down. I felt sick and I could hear my heart beating so loudly I thought it might explode. I quickly began to think of all the hilarious things I could say. In my panic, my brain started to fail me. I couldn’t think of anything.
Bruce looked up from his table and grinned. This was it. Now or never. Do or die. And in that second, the only thing I could think to say was “THIS is my BOOMstick”, while simultaneously grabbing my crotch.
What happened next is a blur.
To this day, I couldn’t tell you for sure the exact words I said to Bruce Campbell. All I remember is some high-pitched noise leaving my lips, Bruce looking incredibly unamused – possibly thinking I was a little bit special, or just a massive dickhead – and signing my 6×8: “To Matt, Stay Groovy. Bruce”. I was then quietly ushered away from his table by a large man.
My one moment with my all-time favourite actor was over, and I’m pretty sure I blew it. Here’s hoping he reads this, and if he remembers me, he realizes that I’m not quite as big a dickhead as he thought I was.
Happy birthday Bruce. In your own words, stay groovy.
