Analog Ambush: 10 VHS Horror Flicks We Want on Blu-ray Now

I’m a sucker for westerns, so when horror films take the plunge into the western genre, I’m always on board. Grim Prairie Tales presents an anthology of four tales told around the campfire. With ancient Indian burial grounds, pregnant demons, mob madness, and ghostly gunslingers on the ticket, it’s an enjoyable romp with an ensemble cast. James Earl Jones and Brad Dourif helm the stories with dramas featuring Marc McClure, Michelle Joyner, Will Hare, William Atherton, and Lisa Eichhorn (to name a few). 

You can watch Grim Prairie Tales on YouTube, though the quality is pretty much what you would expect from a VHS rip. You can also find region-free DVDs floating around, but again, that quality doesn’t reach what a restoration could achieve. With many dark scenes by the campfire, we want to see all these marvelous actors really acting instead of fuzzy analog! 

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You probably know Blackout more for its VHS box at the video store than actually seeing the film. This made-for-TV HBO thriller featured a fun afterlife in rental stores, with the slashed cover featuring a man in a gimp mask with piercing blue eyes. It’s the story of a man who wakes up after a terrible car accident with no memory of his future life and a full-facial reconstruction. He falls in love with his nurse and begins his new life, only for the rug to come out from under him when an obsessed detective believes him to be the man who killed his wife and family 7 years prior. And the murders aren’t done yet. 

With Keith Carradine and Kathleen Quinlan taking the lead roles, the cast is top-notch if the set pieces are a bit bland. It does manage a slow-burn suspense that never quite alleviates as the climax approaches. And there’s a lot more going on, with jealous ex-boyfriends, hitchhikers, red herrings, and the question of nature vs. nurture. This is another one available on the ol’ YouTube but you’d be hard pressed to find it in any watchable quality…

The Paperboy is a testament to Canadian horror embracing crazy killer kids. It would really make an excellent double feature with The Pit (which recently got its own Blu-ray remaster from Kino Lorber), if only it was ALSO remastered! I would even say The Paperboy is better than The Pit, if only that it’s a bit more watchable prior to remastering. 

It follows the tale of Johnny McFarley (Marc Marut), a 12-year-old sociopathic paper boy with a penchant for murder. His growing obsession for the perfect family leads him to his neighbor, and he begins to orchestrate an elaborate plan to become part of the family. Yet his antics are not well-received and, well, chaos ensues. It’s super twisted, with moments of sheer laughable absurdity. Plus, with William Katt as boyfriend Brian and Frances Bay playing the “witch” neighbor Mrs. Rosemont, it’s a fun ride. It is available for rent on Amazon Prime, but we want to see it remastered to fully indulge in the cheese! 

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Oh, so you like Jeff Goldblum, huh? You liked him in Jurassic Park, right? Oh, and The Fly and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, yea? Deep cut, you remember him in Death Wish? Yea, I blocked that one from my memory, too. But SUPER deep cut…you ever seen Mister Frost? It’s like The Silence of the Lambs and The Exorcist III had a B-movie baby that never got its due. It features Goldblum as the titular Mister Frost, an affluent bachelor who is imprisoned in an asylum after openly admitting to multiple murders all buried on his country estate. After a two-year silence, he meets Doctor Sarah Day and admits he is, in fact, Satan, and he has plans to convince her to kill him. 

Pretty much the best part of this is Goldblum’s portrayal of Satan which, while lauded by critics for its lack of nuance, is just full Goldblum. In this dark, subliminal narrative, his mannerisms and quip are so unsettlingly absurd, it really is a must-see performance for fans. The unfortunate thing is that it’s trapped on VHS, with only a Dutch DVD release that is not region-free. 

My first encounter with Scott Grimes was as the voice of Steve Smith on American Dad!, but he’s probably better known in horror circles for his role as Brad in Critters (1986). Just a year after Critters 2, Grimes starred in Night Life aka Grave Misdemeanors. It’s a zombie-horror-comedy of total teen proportions that almost takes itself too seriously to be enjoyable, but makes the moments of camp that much better. It easily earns its R-rating by the use of the F-word alone. It’s got a great atmosphere, unfortunately it’s hard to maintain in its current format. 

Archie (Grimes) has a bully problem, because he’s smart and therefore the jocks hate him. He’s also bullied by his uncle, who owns a mortuary where Archie works part time. The problem only gets worse when his bullies, attempting to pull a prank, wind up in a car wreck that lands them in Archie’s uncle’s mortuary. But when lightning strikes, the bullies are reanimated, and they’re not done tormenting poor Archie even after death. There are dead bodies falling down stairs, gas-guzzling, bodies exploding, and so many corpse shenanigans…you can find the full version on YouTube, albeit slightly hard to watch because it’s literally hard to watch, with much of the climax happening in the dark that analog transfer just doesn’t handle well. 

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When it comes to true gems of schlock horror. Project: Metalbeast is just that. Other than having literally one of the best titles in horror history, it also boasts an ensemble cast with Barry Bostwick, Kim Delaney, Dean Scofield, Musetta Vander, and freaking Kane Hodder as the titular “Metalbeast.” It’s just pure absurdity, from premise to execution, and we’re in all for it. What’s unfortunate is that it finally got a DVD release in June of last year, but it’s an analogy rip with poor audio. It’s a shame because the Metalbeast monster is truly breathtaking, if only we could really see it! 

Project: Metalbeast needs a Project: Blu-ray, and stat. 

In a world where werewolves just…exist…a team of scientists use werewolf DNA to genetically splice a super soldier – because that always works out SO well! The experiment keeps failing and, impatient with the results, special operative Donald Butler injects himself with the werewolf DNA and guess what, it works, but to the detriment of scientists involved. They manage to subdue the beast and the nefarious Colonel Miller orders his body cryogenically frozen. Cut to 20 years later, and a new team of scientists is attempting to create mass skin grafts using metal alloys, but the skin always hardens to the point of steel. About to lose funding, they agree to use corpses for testing and guess who’s unthawed for their first experiment? Chaos ensues in this monster classic that you can watch, poorly, on YouTube. 

I could probably easily find 10 movies in just the slasher genre that could be on this list. The saturation of slashers in the ‘80s is kind of like ants at your picnic. But not many forgotten slashers star Adrienne Barbeau! Open House is a pretty straightforward jaunt, this time the slasher (Darwyn Swalve), who calls himself “Harry,” is targeting real estate agents and their clientele. Though his name is uninspired, his kills are — ranging from razor-blade toilet plunger to frayed wire electrocution — there’s much gratuitous screaming and running in beautifully staged, super mod ‘80s homes. It’s a film for anyone who ever thought buying a home is too damn expensive…

Barbeau plays Lisa, a real estate agent whose boyfriend, David (Joseph Bottoms), is a local radio psychiatrist. David’s program begins receiving calls from Harry who espouses his feelings that the agents and their clients deserve what they got before admitting to his crimes. This puts Lisa in the crosshairs as the police race to find out Harry’s identity. There’s a synthy-jazz soundtrack, an inexplicable opening, and over-the-top acting by almost every side character. You can watch on YouTube, and it appears someone on eBay has made-to-order DVDs and Blu-rays (no idea the quality on that)… I’m not sure how the licensing works on that one.

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Do you love Motel Hell? Do you love Mother’s Day? Man, have I got a movie for you. It’s a real shame this one doesn’t get more love, especially on the remaster circuit. It perfectly fits in the Scream Factory canon. It’s got beauty pageants, a lethal ‘68 Ford Torino, organ harvesting, crazy medical experiments, a psycho redneck family, and Evander Holyfield. You read that right. But it’s also got John Saxon as the proud patriarch of the Evans family, Ray Walston, and Dan Albright as the dawdling sheriff. But the true stars are Lori Birdsong who plays the wheelchair-bound pageant queen April, whose sweet and demur nature is cover for her bitter and cynical underbelly, and Jake Pruitt (Danny Nelson), the father of the Pruitt clan whose towing company is just a front for his wild medical dismemberments. 

See, Jake has been long obsessed with April – even amidst his sinister scheme of running cars off the road to harvest their organs – as she serves as a stand-in for his own deceased daughter. But Jake has only ever seen April on the pageant stage, and doesn’t realize what a formidable and wily creature she can be. There’s many antics surrounding the two, but their dynamic on-screen make the movie. Pruitts’ experiments are truly disturbing, but cartoonish enough to not overwhelm the camp narrative. Oh, and there’s a pet alligator. It’s just all around redneck cheese that is available on YouTube, but we want the Blu-ray! 

Unlike other entries on this list, Eyes of Fire is an incredibly serious and cerebral movie full of mystery, ambiance, and spiritualism. A dark tale of nefarious preacher Will Smythe (Dennis Lipscomb) and his flock fleeing persecution after he is accused of polygamy in the 1750’s American frontier. They soon find themselves in Shawnee territory and under threat from the tribe, so the group takes refuge in a valley the Shawnee will not traverse due to their superstitions. They set up camp in some abandoned cabins, convinced they can start a new life and community there, but soon come to learn the valley isn’t so abandoned after all. 

It’s a very slow-burn, with the first half of the movie setting up the complex, intertwined relationships of the preacher’s flock. But the second half is really worth the wait as the woods come alive with muddy warriors laying siege to the homesteads, painted spirits dancing around, faces in trees, and exploding children. Oh, and so much screaming. Include the gratuitous use of color-negatives, ghostly overlays, and solarization, and you’ve got a recipe for the psychedelic madness, and it’s enjoyable as all hell. A remastering could really boost the cult following Eyes of Fire already earned. Though, if you want to watch it now, it’s another one available to watch on YouTube.

Are you ready to see a remastered Christmas movie about Neo-Nazi elves hellbent on impregnating young, blonde virgins to breed ze master race? I am! Unfortunately, it’s trapped on VHS…If you haven’t sought out Elves around the holidays, I suggest you hop on YouTube this coming December and enjoy this slice of late ‘80s trash. And I don’t mean trash in a bad way, I mean the best kind of B-movie trash you can find. Director Jeffrey Mandel knows his medium, with good gore effects, proper horror editing, and decent cinematography. It’s the kind of cheese that only comes from a movie that’s production is taken seriously. It’s just the material that is so wildly bonkers it will never be elevated to anything above so-good-it’s-bad gold. 

The first 20 minutes of Elves includes such fanfare as pagan “Anti-Christmas” rituals, grandpa slapping, bad German accents, mall Santa groping and cocaine snorting, cat toilet drowning, and the titular elves in full display looking like emaciated orcs from Lord of the Rings. Dan Haggerty plays ex-cop Mike McGavin who, after losing his job due to alcoholism, takes up occupation as a mall Santa. He is soon embroiled in elvish mayhem, and he and teen Kirsten (Julie Austin) must unravel the Neo-Nazi plot before Kirsten is impregnated with an Aryan-Elf superhuman. It’s a little meandering, but totally worth the watch if you’re into the kind of crazy you’ve read here.

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