“You make me want everything I thought I was better than.”
Horror films that still yield surprises can be a treat, especially when they subvert all expectations of that subgenre by not being actual horror. In Bite Me, a vampire church is fighting for authenticity. A key church member, Sarah (Naomi McDougall Jones), is battling the IRS to stake (no pun intended) their claim as a legitimate place of worship. It’s the American dream, isn’t it? Sarah is the primary director of her church, the House of Twilight. (No relation to that Twilight, of course). They’re being audited by the up-and-coming IRS agent James (Christian Coulson), who quickly becomes smitten with Sarah. A conflict of interest arises for James as he has to choose between Sarah and his job.
That is the nuts and bolts of Bite Me, directed by Meredith Edwards. It is a straightforward romantic comedy and isn’t Fright Night or Lost Boys. The film is more akin to the underrated Will Farrel dramedy Stranger than Fiction, right down to the IRS plot point. Almost all the “vampires” in Bite Me are donned in gothic outfits as if they fell out of a Spencer’s retail store. These vampires aren’t your garden variety types either. The only vampiric quality they grasp is they feed on blood from donors. That’s it — no coffins, no biting, no death. In other words, they aren’t vampires.
Our two leads are both looking for meaning and purpose. James has an overbearing mother and a father who wasn’t there. He sleeps with a stuffed robot named Mellowtron that his father gave him. Every night he holds his plush robot, remembering a life with meaning. His current occupation as an IRS auditor has all the appeal of dried yogurt. But he is good at it, so he stays on. Closing the case on this “weird vampire church” will undoubtedly secure his promotion. Maybe then, he’ll feel accomplished. Vampire church member Sarah’s estranged parents only communicate with her via obligatory birthday cards and cheap gifts. Her childhood left her feeling invisible. She bears a Mike Tyson-esque face tattoo she received at 16. Her unconventional appearance is borne from this misguided need to be seen. Her rationale: even if people don’t like her, they can’t forget her. She works as a “grave finder,” helping her clients connect with their relatives in a genealogical context. This line of work seems par for the course.
Both Sarah and James are previously divorced and have had difficulty connecting with someone new for years. Eight years specifically for Sarah. This organic awkwardness shows in the pairs’ interactions. The nuances of flirtation seem foreign to both of them, like a language they forgot how to speak. All of this backstory is doled out slowly throughout the film. But it is meant to sell the somewhat instant connection the couple share. It is a romance that is teed up to be an obvious conclusion, which happens because Bite Me is very cliched.
The issue with Bite Me is that it has all been done, said, and experienced before. Every rom-com beat is checked off in the 82-minute runtime. I didn’t feel surprised or truly invested because every pivot point was telegraphed.
Bite Me’s side narrative is the allegorical social issue the film peddles about those who identify as a vampire. Usually, this is a great way to tie in identity politics; certainly, other vampire stories have done this in the past. Even the X-Men have mirrored society’s prejudices. But since being a vampire in this film isn’t a permanent fixture but rather a choice, the virtue signaling doesn’t stick the landing.
The supporting cast was fun and used in just the right amount. Annie Golden, Naomi Grossman, and Harold Surratt push the leads at the right time and on cue. The compulsory quirky bop of side characters is the rom-com staple that works here. I was happy to see Jones and Coulson have a lot of fun in their roles. Despite knowing their decisions ahead of time, I enjoyed seeing the journey to get there.
There are flashes of joy in Bite Me. Some New York City landmarks fill the frame wonderfully. James traverses a vampire party with delicate, awkward grace early on, only to humorously sidestep a Christian prayer group later while still wearing his cape. The denouement at an IRS company picnic is uncomfortably goofy without taking itself too seriously.
This movie has been done before. And much better. That doesn’t mean it should be written off entirely. For the romantic-comedy crowd that wants a comfort food tale to chow down on, the film will hit the mark. It has enough spice and spirit to leave its mark on its target audience. Look elsewhere for those wanting an integral vampire film that plays into the subculture.
Bite Me is now available on Digital Download from Strike Media.
