We all remember that feeling. Waking up Christmas morning and rushing downstairs to see if that jolly old fat man has brought us that one special gift. The toys we’ve been begging our parents for all year, in the hopes that they would have a quiet word with Santa to ensure he makes enough.
Here’s our list of 7 awesome retro toys every kid wanted for Christmas- what was on your list? Let us know about your bitter disappointment at not getting that Furby in the comments section below.
Stretch Armstrong (Kenner, 1976)
My first real job was as Assistant Manager at The Discovery Store. For a while, we sold “Hen Night Toys” accessories including giant rubber penises. One day a child came in with his dad and innocently picked up the aforementioned phallus (try saying that 5 times fast), bending it and tugging at it, exclaiming to his horrified father “Look Dad, it’s just like Stretch Armstrong!”
I think that dad must have complained directly to Kenner, because Stretch Armstrong quickly disappeared from toy shelves thereafter.
Sindy House (Pedigree, 1981)
Most of you probably remember Barbie way more than you remember Sindy, but back in the day Sindy was Queen Bee in the UK, and that bitch had it all.
I remember my older sister having the Sindy House when we were kids. It wasn’t cheap and tacky like many of the Barbie houses of today. This was 4 levels of luxury with an external elevator that could take Sindy and her chums all the way from the kitchen to the roof garden in mere seconds.
It was my job, of course, as the younger sibling to annoy my sister as much as possible and nothing annoyed her more than me butting in on her time with the Sindy House, announcing to her that I was going to burgle the house, using a Ken doll or other similar man toys.
She hated that, but it was her own fault. If she hadn’t had such attractive looking candle sticks I wouldn’t have had to burgle the place!
Castle Grayskull (Mattel,1982)
Let me tell you the saddest story you will ever hear. It’s about a boy who had every He-Man toy imaginable, even the obscure toys no one wanted, but he never owned Castle Grayskull. That little boy never had anywhere for his He-Man to chillax after a hard day of beat downs, and no place for his He-Man to take chicks for some “Netflix and chill.”
Castle Grayskull still sits atop that little boy’s Christmas list to this very day.
Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop (Kenner, 1977)
I recall not being allowed to use Play-Doh in the house, in case it somehow found itself being trodden into the carpet, which of course would have left my Dad no alternative but to sell me to the Circus.
This meant much of the time I played with Play-Doh in the garden. Unsupervised. And it was a result of this lack of supervision that I first decided to eat it. There’s something so satisfying about the way Play-Doh feels as your teeth slice through it that even talking about it makes me want to do it now.
I remember the Barber Shop being highly sought after among Play-Doh connoisseurs, but I was just happy sitting in the garden, eating Play-Doh and chuckling to myself that they named a toy “Fuzzy Pumper.”
Pet Rock (Rock Bottom, 1977)
Having a rock as a pet never really caught on here in the UK, but you Americans lapped it up. So much so that this ridiculous idea for a toy made its creator, Larry Dahl, over $15 million in the 6 months it took everyone to realise they could just make these toys themselves for free.
U.S.S Flag Aircraft Carrier (Hasbro, 1985)
The G.I. Joe U.S.S Flag Aircraft Carrier was the Holy Grail of boys toys, and if you owned this near 8 feet long mass of plastic and dreams then you were clearly a millionaire and I hated you for it.
The toy was discontinued 18 months after its first release as it had depleted the world’s resources of plastic.
Ghostbusters HQ (Kenner, 1987)
Remember the sad little boy who never had anywhere for his He-Man figures to hang out? Well that same sad little boy soon cheered up when his parents bought him the Ghostbusters HQ, with realistic fireman’s pole, room to park up Ecto-1, and holes in the roof to drip slime through.
Much like the Play-Doh, my dad never let me use the slime – or ectoplasm as it should be called – in the house in case I ruined the carpets. I did eventually ruin the carpets, but that’s a different tale for a different day.
