A ’70s Saturday Morning Cartoon Experience

Your 1970s Saturday Morning Cartoons Experience has been locked out of our control. If you can read this, we are doing everything we can to get you out. Don’t panic. A text field is being superimposed over the visual of your quantum leap immersion vacation. We’ve had a problem with the space/time directional stabilizer, and your experience is oscillating in a field of ’70s cartoons with runoff from the 1960s. Please try to enjoy the experience while we attempt to retrieve you and reboot the system.

The year is 1973. You’re four years old, and you’ve just woken up. It’s time for Saturday morning cartoons. That weird show with the puppet people is on the television. HR Pufnstuff is not the show you like, but your brothers are watching. Witchy Poo scares you. You can close your eyes and leap within the oscillating field if it’s too much for you. [Audio: “Martin, that show isn’t a cartoon. Is there another field bleeding over this one?”]

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Good, the channel’s been changed, and you’ve skipped ahead past Charlie Chan and the Chan Clan. [Audio: “Did that show get flagged yet? Tag it with a work order to omit.”] You probably know this song. Sing along so we can get a lock on you. “Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? We’ve got some work to do now. Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? We need some help from you now…” No need to adjust your audible sensor. The song comes through only one speaker. It’s like listening to an old record player. Spoiler alert: The dog talks, and none of those ghosts or monsters are real. Don’t panic. It’s probably just Old Man Withers in a mask. Just be glad you’re in 1973. There’s no Scooby-Dum or Scrappy-Doo yet. We are detecting vision commitment to the Daphne character. Try migrating your focus to Velma. You’ll understand when you get a little older in the immersion. She’s the one to focus on. Hold while we try something.

We’re back. It looks like you’ve sat through the entire episode, and now Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space is on. No, that’s not Shaggy. The voice actor for Alexander, their manager is the same guy— Casey Kasem. In case you get bumped to another cartoon experience, he also does the voice of Robin on Super Friends. The “Bleep” you keep hearing is just a strange creature from outer space who prefers the company of the Pussycats’ drummer, Melody. We’re not censoring anything, though we’re considering pixelating that rocket ship. Oh, it doesn’t look funny to you? Okay, it stays. Don’t worry about the gang being captured. They’ll get their instruments, play a song, and head back into outer space.

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Good news! We’ve aged you up. We’re having trouble pinpointing the year, though. Check behind you. There’s a support column in the living room that has some writing on it. Walk over there and take a look at it. We can calculate your age by checking your eye level against the markings on the beam. Seven years old. It’s 1976. Sit back down, and take a look at The Bugs Bunny Road Runner Hour. You know all the episodes by heart. They’ve been playing these cartoons on Saturday morning since before you were born. Now’s your chance to catch one of the banned episodes. Yes, there were some pretty racist themes happening back then. [Audio: “Martin, what’s the probability they’ll see something like that? Oh, the episodes are tagged for omission? That’s probably a good thing.”]

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We’ve switched channels on you. It’s a talking shark. It’s Jabberjaw. You’ve got a good ear, kid. He’s voiced by Frank Welker, though. That’s not Curly from the Three Stooges. Yes, they also formed a band. It was a ’70s Saturday morning cartoons thing. The whole gang looks familiar? There was a particular type of cast back then. The goofball, the good looking guy, the bubbly girl and the wise-cracking girl. And of course, the anthropomorphic star/sidekick. Sometimes it’s a dog, a Speed Buggy, a bleep or a cat…in this case he’s a shark. Nope, the goofball isn’t Shaggy. He just looks like him. It’s “Zowie,” not “Zoinks!”

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Bear with us as we speed you past Dynomut and Dog Wonder. What? No, that’s not Batman. No, it’s not Space Ghost. He’s the Blue Falcon. Yes, same voice as Space Ghost. Gary Owens was a landmark voice of the 1970s. What? No. [Audio: “How are they interpreting Inspector Gadget as a seven year old in the ’70s?”] Listen, there’s a leak in the ’80s immersion, and the influence has affected your inference. That’s a dog. Dynomut is like the dog version of Inspector Gadget. We’re going to push you through an hour or so. [Audio: “What’s that hissing sound? Sleestaks? How is Land of the Lost in this immersion? It’s Saturday morning, but it’s not a cartoon. We may have to rewrite the entire program!”]

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We’ve skipped you ahead to 1978. You’re nine now. Yes, that’s the same carpet. That red shag rug is in most of the ’70s immersions. There’s a gold one, too, if you want us to change it. I wouldn’t worry about the rug, though. [Audio: “I see it.”] Listen, there’s an issue with the television. It’s the same one for over a decade. At this point, the channel knob has been busted due to some roughhousing with the siblings in this scenario. We’ll need you to pick up the pliers on the TV, and use them to change the channel manually. Flipping past the Krofft Super Show, Batman/Tarzan, Pink Panther…hold! This is a good cartoon. Yes, it’s different from the other shows. You can count on Friz Freleng productions. It’s a metaphor. The guy wants to paint everything blue to represent the mundane. He likes things to be boring and predictable. He’s the establishment. Pink Panther is going to paint everything pink because he celebrates life. He’s peaceful rebellion. It’s just music. Nope, they don’t talk in this one. No, they don’t talk in this one either.

Hold on, try flipping again. We may have a lock on you. We’ve got you on reruns of The Herculoids. It was one of Hanna-Barbera’s greatest productions. That’s Gloop. No, wait, that’s Gleep. That one is Gloop. Nope, not Bleep. No, not Schmoo. Gleep and Gloop are formless, fearless wonders. Marshmallowy, gloopy space friends of the Herculoids. Think of them as shapeshifters who aren’t very creative. They’ll become things like nets and parachutes. Those guys are Tundro, Igoo, and Zok. Right? He is pretty cool. A laser-ray space dragon! Just listen to those sound effects. They get borrowed a lot. You’ll hear them in most of the Saturday morning cartoons that have lasers. And it’s the ’70s. A lot of them have lasers. That’s Igoo, the rock ape. No, they’re not in a band too. He’s actually made of rock. Tundro is a…well, he’s tremendous. He’s a cross between a rhinoceros…correction, a space rhinoceros and a roll of paper towels if the paper towels were select-a-size and made of something impenetrable. That guy can really push rocks and knock over trees. You’re right, they are all boys- Zando and Dorno too. There is Tara, though. At least on their planet the women have regular names.

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Okay, we have a good chance of getting you out now. We’re going to need you to pick up those pliers again, and turn the pin to change the channel. It’s going to put you into 1980 where we can retrieve you. Nice going, kid. You’re out of the ’70s cartoon immersion framework. You did it. Stand by. [Audio: “Martin, there seems to be a problem. They’re not coming out of it.”]

No, kid, it’s not the year 1994. It’s 1980. I don’t care what the television says. Oh, wait, that’s Thundarr the Barbarian. Yes, back then 1994 was the future. There was never a runaway planet that hurtled between the Earth and the moon, unleashing cosmic destruction. No, that’s not a light saber. That’s a fabulous sun sword! It’s two thousand years into the future. It’s a world of savagery and super-science. No, that’s not Chewbacca the Wookiee in a mask. That’s Ookla the Mok. He’s Thundarr’s friend. Yes, she’s a princess. No, not that princess. Ariel is magic sorceress. Listen, kid. we have to get you out while you’re in the ’80s. It’s our only hope. Okay, just one episode, and the immersion is over. You’ll get a full refund.

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