The savior of the universe is thirty nine years old today. He doesn’t know it, but we’re planning a surprise party. Actually that’s what we’re going to tell him because he’s depressed about turning forty next year, and we forgot his 39th birthday. Flash Gordon debuted December 5, 1980. Movies stayed in the theater much longer in those days because I saw it on my birthday in February of 1981. In fact, I still have the original program. I was twelve years old. At the time I thought Flash Gordon was made for a twelve year old, but I’ve watched it a few times recently and wow, was I wrong?! Flash Gordon was made for adults. It was just packaged for kids; though, fail on the toy front. Flash Gordon 1980 doesn’t even bother with innuendos in most cases. There’s a straight up Pleasure Planet! Hey, you kids, it’s time to rewatch Flash Gordon!
Let’s skip the title character for now. He’s busy blowing up balloons with Dale Arden. Your very own Three-Eyed Raven, Force fanatic Lor San Tekka is the original galactic emperor—Ming the Merciless. The power of Father Merrin compels you to dig deeper, and check out some of the roles this master of the dramatic arts has played. Max von Sydow, alone is worth taking the time to rewatch. He even had an uncredited bit in 1984’s Ice Pirates! He’s been everywhere from the original dessert planet Arrakis in Dune to the third most popular desert planet Jakku in The Force Awakens. He’s the life of this party. Rather, he’s the host. He throws parties better than Bernie Lomax; like Andy Warhol got together with ABBA to throw Elton John’s 100 Birthday gala, live on BitcoinTube in the year 2047: Special Guest Stars, the re-animated head of Matt Groening and clone number 1138 of George Lucas. Max von Sydow is the electrical wiring in this strobe globe. Without him everything else becomes, well, Xanadu.
Let’s get the sexism over with. This is 1980. It’s the tail end of the Sexy Seventies. Women’s Lib meant more than equality. It meant embracing sexuality and sexual power. Dale Arden, played by Melody Anderson, and Princess Aura, played by Ornella Muti, represent the girl next door and the powerful vixen, two popular tropes of the time that we cannot easily let go. Barbarella would fit nicely into this universe. In fact, if you just turn the movie on and listen from another room you’ll hear the unmistakable sounds of bumping uglies so often that you’ll swear someone’s in there watching porn.
Sam J. Jones plays our main man, the fictional quarterback from the NY Jets, Flash Gordon. His goofy portrayal of the popular 1930’s character was a perfect compliment to the rest of the over-the-top acting by otherwise series actors like Brian Blessed, Topol, and Peter Wyngarde. Someone should have told Timothy Dalton to not take his role so seriously though. He would be a natural as the straight man in an absurd comedy.
That’s where Flash Gordon should live in the entertainment world. Embrace the parody of it all. Flash Gordon is the original sci-fi adventure serial, but it’s been copied and honed into darkly themed space stories where the Aliens devour you instead of enslaving you as their concubine. That’s what happened to Dale and Flash, by the way. But they represent chastity and monogamy. The give “human spirit” all the credit for the defeat of Ming in the end; but we know behind all that free spirit is a moral disguised as Emmanuelle in Space. Try to make it out behind the squiggly lines. The sets and costumes of the original movies and series are what made it fun. The 1980 Flash Gordon recognized this. Director Mike Hodges knew what he was doing. Despite having a resume that included The Terminal Man (1974) and later Morons from Outer Space (1985), Hodges was way ahead of his time.
With the success of parodies of popular ’60s and ’70s classics it’s time to bring Flash Gordon back. No more attempts at trying to make it the next Firefly or Babylon 5. Flash Gordon doesn’t translate to modern times like Godzilla or Battlestar Galactica. It needs to be funny. Not Jim Carrey funny or Adam Sandler funny. I want to see Bill Murray as Prince Vultan and Steven Yeun as Ming the Merciless, but only if Steven agrees to shave his flowing locks so we know he’s committed to playing the villain seriously. He’s the only one allowed to play for the Oscar. Everyone else has to take notes from Mel Brooks. This new Flash Gordon parody should be written by Ben Stiller and directed by Mike Judge.
Until we get a new Flash Gordon you’ve still got this flamboyant Gym Dad version blasting Queen in his ’81 Camaro Z28, and he’s turning forty next year. So let’s show him some love as he enters the last year in his thirties, depressed and looking for a new trophy wife. Happy birthday, you old pervert. We got you a carton of rewatches and a bottle of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum to go with them.
Related Article: ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ Is Still Alive After 30 Years
