It’s hard to believe it’s been 35 years since the masterpiece known as Robo Vampire (1988) was released. It’s more likely if you’ve even heard of the film, that you saw it through the lens of RiffTrax, a worthy delivery system, but one that will rob you of the opportunity to poke fun in your own style. This low-budget horror-sci-fi flick is a stew of action, sci-fi, and monsters that will satisfy anyone who’s hungry for a helping of “it’s so bad, it’s good.” Let’s hope this film is restored before it’s too late.
To begin with, I implore you to view Robo Vampire with the closed captioning on, so you’ll know the differences between illustrative descriptions like “mystic whooshing” and “metallic thudding.” You’ll have a better understanding of the moods when you’re prompted with “suspenseful music” and “energetic music.” The simple plot is made excruciatingly complex (this is the essential spice of any it’s-so-bad-it’s-good” dish), so the helpful captions will guide you like the rail on a roller coaster that’s desperately trying to throw you off.
There’s a turning point in film that people over 50 know naturally, and I’d like to share it with you. It’s an unwritten pivot point that can be used to identify a film’s era. Is it BSW or ASW (before Star Wars or after Star Wars)? 1977 makes for a defining pivot point where film changed. It’s easy to identify most films as BSW or ASW, based on the film quality and effects styles. If not for the haircuts and elastic-waisted denim jackets, Robo Vampire might be mistaken for a BSW film. An easy explanation for this fact is that Robo Vampire is an amalgamation of unfinished films that were pieced together like Frankenstein’s monster. It’s frightening to behold, and you can be fairly certain it’s powered by an abnormal brain.
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If exposition could win an Academy Award, we need to retroactively award filmmaker Godfrey Ho, the Ed Wood of Hong Kong cinema, for Christine the lady ghost’s plot-defining line, “How dare you take my lover’s corpse, Taoist, and turn him into a vampire beast. Now he is condemned to a living death, and we can never be together in the afterlife.” As a Western woman who fell in love with an Eastern man, their love was forbidden. Did I forget to mention how romantic Robo Vampire is? In the exchange, she goes on to say, “…both his parents opposed our marriage. It was then that we decided if we could not be together in this life, Peter and I would be together in the afterlife! You have robbed us of this by turning him into a vampire beast!”
They are coerced into promising allegiance to the drug cartel in order to stay together. Christine, the lady ghost, and Peter, the vampire beast become the greatest villains of the ASW era. It doesn’t hurt to be backed by an army of Jiangshi. These stiff, hopping vampires can prevail over all manner of martial arts, no matter how silly they look when they attack. Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail, hippity-hoppity, Jiangshi’s on his way!
Peter and Christine are easily the most important characters. The title role of Robo-Warrior is no more than a vampire-bitten cop who’s saved with a mysterious experimental technique that must use the same technology as 1987’s RoboCop. His costume is a silver-painted inflatable samurai suit with a paper mache RoboCop Halloween mask. Wait, can Robo-Warrior be considered a title roll? Sure, as long as we adhere to the Robot Monster (1953) rule where Ro-Man is the title character. Cheeseball Character Names 101.
As is the case with most movies that are so bad they’re good, the budget is tight. For instance, the smoke budget was enough to pay for a pack of cigarettes, a few sticks of incense, and a couple of firecrackers. It’s more than enough to get the point across. Who needs stunt experts, when the kids across the street can pack some scarecrows with their step-dad’s work clothes? Throw that bad boy off the roof, and voila! Instant stunt double. All that was missing was the Wilhelm Scream (apparently more expensive than we realized).
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Pay close attention to the opening credits, because you’ll get no information about the talent from the end credits. Robo Vampire ends as abruptly as it begins, blacking out in an instant death. Christine and Peter are the foils for Robo Vampire‘s lead, but given the confusing climax, we can assume Christine goes on to plot her revenge against Robo-Warrior. As long as we’re smack in the Golden Age of Reboots, it might be time to remake Robo Vampire, just so we can follow the misadventures of Christine, the witch lady ghost of the East. Are you down, Godfrey Ho?
