Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of public opinion, may it please the court. I represent Godzilla (1998). Today, we are here to determine the guilt or innocence of my client in the case of Did the American Godzilla Movie of 1998 Stink as Bad as a Pile of Fish in Midtown Manhattan? My client has been accused of being the absolute worst Godzilla movie ever made. I intend to prove to you beyond a reasonable doubt that my client is innocent of the charges brought against them in the court of public opinion. The prosecution will present its evidence and arguments, but I ask that you keep an open mind as we debate the credibility and character of this giant monster movie. You should carefully consider the facts as they unfold.
As we proceed, I urge you to read attentively as you would the menu at the concession stand, to analyze the evidence as objectively as you would accept a talking ape or regenerating tree creature in modern film, and to evaluate each argument with the care you would take in suspending disbelief during similar flawed science premises. My client’s future and legacy rest in your hands, and I trust that you will fulfill your duty as impartial kaiju fans.
Firstly, I would like to present to evidence, Exhibit A: The original 1954 Godzilla movie, originally titled Gojira. This film uses a similar origin for the title character. Nuclear testing was said to have affected a reptile, causing it to grow to enormous proportions before wreaking havoc on Tokyo while an inept military flounders in trying to stop it. In 1998 Godzilla is created in a like fashion. Nuclear testing causes a random reptile in the vicinity to become a brand new creature; one who wreaks havoc on New York City while an inept military flounders in trying to stop it.
Exhibit B: Though Godzilla’s design has evolved through the years, the very first design was a foam suit worn by Haruo Nakajima. The actor continued to wear costumes of various cheeseball values through twelve films until Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972). May I remind the jury that the alien cyborg kaiju, Gigan, is considered to be one of the sillier designs produced by TOHO? I would argue that after twelve films, Godzilla fans would have given up on the franchise if not for the content of Godzilla’s character. As a design, Godzilla would continue to evolve to this day, even allowing for a cartoonish Shin Godzilla to feature the eyes of a Simpsons character in an attempt at rebooting the series.
After the Hollywood Jay Leno design, the court of public opinion seems to have given up on the United States’ first attempt at a believable kaiju creature. Even as fans of the evergreen property flock to theaters to witness a fully evolved version in the recently established MonsterVerse, which, I remind you, features an axe-wielding King Kong. It is generally accepted that this CGI version of Godzilla is superior in believability to even the latest TOHO version. In fact, TOHO made an attempt to reclaim Godzilla’s roots in Godzilla 2000: Millennium (1999), using a suit worn by Tsutomu Kitagawa as the title character. The “all-new, very radical look” was really just more toothy, but his thunder thighs remained. Godzilla was still a lumbering, bottom-heavy, gigantic Komodo dragon with an attitude.
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Regarding the plot, the TriStar Pictures Godzilla did rely heavily on an Amblin-style soundtrack and mood to reach a wider target audience. And thusly, the film required just enough tension and implied death to be deemed acceptable by more discerning moviegoers. It’s true, my client borrowed heavily from the success of Jurassic Park (1993) and its sequel, The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997). In this case, Madison Square Garden is the location of the nest of Godzilla. After Godzilla is thought to be defeated in a convincing “death” scene, we discover that there are hundreds of eggs, each containing a raptor-sized T-Rex baby, hungry for fish, popcorn, NY Knicks merchandise, and anything that runs slower than Matthew Broderick and his co-stars (mostly expendable French extras).
In my client’s case, comedy relief was upfront and prominent in the main protagonist, the oft comedically mispronounced Dr. Niko Tatopoulos (Matthew Broderick). Harry Shearer and Hank Azaria play heavily in their own comedy relief roles. Even the traditional action-tough guy Jean Reno steps into it with a few one-liners and an Elvis impersonation. In a typical TOHO film, comedy relief has been a standard since the early days as TOHO built the franchise around marketing itself to children as adults began to lose interest. Some of the clown-like performances are so over the top audiences cringe and look the other way as they wait for Godzilla to break dance with Anguirus or snicker when TOHO’s version of King Kong is repelled by Godzilla’s bad breath. This might be the reason Kong force feeds a Godzilla with a tree in King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962). Keen-eyed fans might recognize it as a eucalyptus tree. Even the recent fan favorite Shin Godzilla wobbles through the streets as a partially formed nightmare from a Jim Henson project. Because we don’t want to bring children into this case, I’ll refrain from mentioning Minilla in Son of Godzilla (1967) and the even more cringeworthy Godzuki (alternatively known as Godzooky) from The Godzilla Power Hour animated series (1978-1980).
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Few Godzilla movies exist where viewers are expected to walk away planning to discuss the critical nuances over a fine dining experience. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the burden rests upon the court of public opinion after twenty-five years to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant, in fact, sucks Donkey Kong barrels. In the defense of Godzilla 1998, it is not my responsibility to prove greatness; rather, it is to cast doubt upon the public opinion’s case. It should be sufficient for us to establish reasonable doubt in your minds, for that doubt alone should lead you to render a verdict of not sucky by reason of comparison and precedent. The defense rests.
If I may approach the bench. Off the record, your honor, The 1998 version of Godzilla has been through the wringer with giant monster fans and has borne enough embarrassment. I would like to have the film stricken from the minds of the public and removed from canon to avoid any further embarrassment. My client deserves to live out their years on VHS shelves in the collections of basement dwellers too proud to admit they love the movie for the simple benefit of having something they can legitimately criticize.
Defense counsel, I agree with your request to strike Godzilla 1998 from the record. It is deemed inadmissible and irrelevant to the current MonsterVerse and the multitude of TOHO iterations. The court reporter will be instructed to delete all ties to the TriStar catalog, ensuring it has no further impact on monster movie marathons.
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