Ranking Star Wars films…from a certain point of view should be easy and fun. Ranking Star Wars films for public consumption is excruciating. The state of Star Wars fandom is in turmoil. One opens the door to draconian judgement for the mere audacity of having an opinion. We can debate what is to blame for the condition, but we’d never get anywhere. What was once almost certainly universally loved is now a casualty of our divisive culture. Before the schismatic shift that took place October 30, 2012, the date Disney announced the deal to acquire Lucasfilm, we were almost all in full agreement: We loved Star Wars!
That’s how many of us perceive the transition of Star Wars from George Lucas’ hands to Disney’s (four-fingered) hands. So, let me start over… Ranking Star Wars films for public consumption is excruciating. Before the online civil war that began May 19, 1999, the date the Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace was released, and continued well past May 19, 2005, the date Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith was released, we were almost all in full agreement: We loved Star Wars!
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That’s how many of us perceive the condition of Star Wars fandom before the prequels were released. The tribulations and vitriol at the time was the end of times for Star Wars. Before Jar Jar, you’sa was all in bombast happy times: We’sa all been lovin’ da Star Wars!
Wait, that’s not right either. Our universal concordance as Star Wars fans was not tested until the period between January 31, 1997 and March 14, 1997 (the period in which the Special Editions made their theatrical release). There were no fans who disliked the awkward Jenny Craig Jabba or Rontos running rampant in the streets of Mos Eisley. Wait, that’s also not accurate. Let me start over…
Before April 10, 1981 (the Star Wars theatrical re-release that changed the name to Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope we were all in absolute concurrence that… We. Loved. Star Wars.
It does get easier. Before the internet, we weren’t able to wield our opinions like laser swords (yeah, I said it). We argued over whether Darth Vader was actually Luke’s father, or he was lying (see arguments of whether Kylo Ren is lying about Rey’s origins). We wouldn’t find out for sure until three years later. We only had the likes of Bantha Tracks (a two-page newsletter at the time) and Starlog to sate our speculations. We argued at recess or in our back yards. And we didn’t hate each other when we did. We argued whether Boba Fett survived his fall into the Great Pit of Carkoon, and whether he deserved such an undignified demise if he hadn’t. Hey, we still argue over that. Because of conflicting explanations from the original Marvel Comics run, Dark Horse Comics, Expanded Universe novels, and new Disney canon (specifically, the evidence we find in Star Wars: Aftermath), we are still debating this one. I’m not holding out hope that Jon Favreau’s The Mandalorian series will answer this question. They enjoy watching us banter. It keeps the subject topical.
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The point is, Star Wars has germinated fandom in a wide variety of people whose opinions vary. That’s a good thing. That’s healthy. Sic your Corellian Hounds on me if you need to, but I’ve devised a getaway plan that includes hot-wiring a Mobquet M-68 landspeeder. I request that the most staunchly adamant disputants pull a Jarek Yeager at the Platform Classic, and pull away. At this speed, you will be able to pull out in time. If you are currently hating Star Wars or Disney’s incarnation of Star Wars, you’re a Wedge. “Get clear, Wedge. You can’t do any more good back there.” Say, “Sorry” and abort. Otherwise let’s blow this thing and go home…
Star Wars (Before the Special Editions)
I saw the original in the theater at eight years old. My previous affinity to Benji, Herbie the Love Bug, and The Shaggy D.A. was forever superseded. Previously, I had allowed my age appropriate entertainment to define my taste. When I walked out of the movie theater, I held my souvenir movie program tight to my chest, knowing the characters within would always be a part of me.
Star Wars is easily the top movie in this list for me, but it’s understandable if it’s number two for you.
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The Empire Strikes Back (Episode V)
After having read Splinter of the Mind’s Eye two or three times before The Empire Strikes Back was released, I was thoroughly confused, yet delighted with where things went. Decades later, I’d witness a Yuzzem-free and Halla-less Mimban in Solo: A Star Wars Story, but for now I’d be satisfied with a frozen Hoth and AT-ATs (we pronounced it “At At” at the time, and I still do).
With either story, we got to see Luke and Vader duel, but with Empire we were treated with our first cliff-hanger. It is largely a favorite among fans, and I can’t disagree, though I hope, for the sake of the franchise, it can one day be supplanted. Only then would we know it’s not all substandard from Episode V on.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Most fans of the Expanded Universe and Dark Horse Comics wanted the prequels to look and feel like this. Rogue One is dark, like Empire, but it lacks the hook that holds us wanting more. We know what happens next. Rogue One is easily the third best Star Wars film, but it’s understandable if you preferred to see more of the classic characters stories told in this flavor.
Star Wars, A New Hope (Episode IV)
Once we learned that we could find a type-written treatment to nine episodes circulating at our favorite cons (I think we called them festivals back then), we were okay with renaming the pillar story (most of us). Can re-titling a movie really knock it down a few pegs in a ranking list? Does this movie warrant two places in the list just because of a few changes? Of course. Some of us took it harder than others, and by the time there was a Special Edition, the divide among fans was wide enough to resemble a Cloud City exhaust shaft or a Death Star chasm. It changed the way we see that galaxy. Get your grappling hooks out and get over it, kids. Here’s a kiss for good luck.
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Return of the Jedi (Episode VI)
Ewoks. Really, I don’t see anything else you can complain about. Return of the Jedi gets a bad rap. The rumor mill promised Wookiees, but the first pictures in Starlog gave us teddy bears. Still, three movies meant this galaxy was for real. And hope remained, even when Lucas said he was done, that he would revisit the franchise with Episodes I, II, and III while we were still teenagers. That wouldn’t happen until much later, but some of us matured as young adults, and realized the final showdown between father and son, former Jedi and new Jedi, was one of the most well made confrontations in cinematic fantasy. And, YO! Speeder Bikes? Yes!
The Force Awakens (Episode VII)
To some, this was the beginning of the end for their fandom. To others, The Force Awakens was a brand new chance to relive the childhood experience of seeing Star Wars for the first time. Some think it was a little too close. But didn’t it have to be? Didn’t we say the prequels were overproduced, slick, and soulless? Well, some did. I was happy to see the galaxy return to natural settings, and fresh characters. Plus, we got a mini Han Solo adventure as a treat! And now we know what Rathtars look like. Madballs!
Revenge of the Sith (Episode III)
“Noooooooooooooooo!” Up until that moment, I thought Lucas had redeemed himself. The duel between Obi-Wan and Anakin had only existed as a few sentences in a bootleg treatment from the late eighties or early nineties prior to this. I would have liked to have seen a new twist, like Obi-Wan was having an affair with Padme. It would have changed everything. I’m happy Revenge of the Sith exists, and it’s easily the best of the prequels, but that’s not saying a lot. In a list, something has to be at the bottom.
Solo: A Star Wars Story
The movie no one asked for? What? Before we knew there were episodes, I thought Han Solo at Star’s End was going to be a movie. The follow-up books were going to be sequels. I would have taken another paper route just to pay to see them in the theater over and over. Harrison Ford is never going to be young again, and I think Alden Ehrenreich played an outstanding Han Solo considering the boots he was expected to fill. Sure, there were some cheesy moments. Are we to forget that there were little pig-men (Ugnaughts) running around in Lando’s mining city? Joonas Suotamo’s Chewbacca would easily be mistaken for Peter Mayhew’s performance. If you’ve boycotted this one, you are not doing yourself any favors. If you’ve seen it, I could understand you ranking anywhere between 3 and 9.
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Attack of the Clones (Episode II)
Remember the scene where Anakin jumps the shark, and lands on the beach? He took a nasty spill. That’s why he hates sand. Legit. Most of us agree this one was filler, and one long toy commercial. Jango is basically a Boba Fett refresh using the same sculpt. At least we got to see Obi-Wan spar with the master model. There are a few enjoyable scenes, but this one ranks low in most people’s books. Christopher Lee was wasted as Count Dooku. And though General Grievous looked awesome, he lacked depth unless you delved into the Expanded Universe. A common mistake in Star Wars movies. See Captain Phasma, and compare to the Phasma novel.
The Phantom Menace (Episode I)
This is not what we were expecting, was it? Somehow, kids of the age seem to have loved it. What did we lose along the way that made us hate The Phantom Menace so much? I encourage you to look at the Jar Jar is Drunken Master theory. That makes this episode more bearable. I wish Lucas had gone in this direction. Rumor has it he abandoned the idea altogether, but it would have made the the Gungan’s clownish antics make more sense. Liam Neeson’s talent was underused in this effort, but I suppose his character served his purpose. And I know a lot of you like Darth Maul. I didn’t fall in love with his character until The Clone Wars and Rebels. As stated above, something has to be at the bottom. Most agree this is it.
The Last Jedi (Episode VIII)
See what you made me do? Never mind that most of the issues people have with The Last Jedi have been explained. I don’t want to rehash that. Yes, I was disappointed in Luke’s choices and behavior, but I don’t get to write the story. His arc didn’t seem all that unbelievable to me. You have the right to your opinion, and I literally can’t put The Last Jedi any lower on the list for you. I enjoyed the heck out of it, and I was enraptured in a Star Wars movie more so this time than any since The Empire Strikes Back. One day, I imagine the arguments will subside, and we will either like a Star Wars movie or not. Let’s not nitpick about the fact that light sabers are impossible (wait, why did we never have that argument?), or how sub-orbital bombers make no sense. I’ll let the Insane Clown Posse wonder about how magnets work (and artificial gravity, and momentum), and I’ll watch this one again and again.
I don’t want The Last Jedi to be under The Phantom Menace. It’s here because this is my scorched earth tactic. Maybe Rian Johnson knew he’d be burning it all down along with the Jedi Temple, so we’d have no choice but to build it up together. The Last Jedi is in the ashes of the list because one day I believe it will be viewed as the phoenix of the films. The one, that viewed in context after a period, will be the one that gave birth to all the greatness that was still to come.
Episode IX (Untitled as of January 2019)
The ultimate Schrödinger’s movie. The ninth episodic movie in the Star Wars galaxy is less than a year away. It currently exists at once as the best Star Wars movie ever made, and the worst Star Wars movie ever made. It’s currently the worst on my list for the simple reason in that it does not exist for public consumption yet. The title is expected to be released soon, and many of us will begin rating it before our butts are even in the seat. You go ahead and do that if that’s how you do things. Live your best life being mad at something that has always given you joy. I recommend staying away altogether if you can’t become an eight year old kid again this coming December. I, for one, welcome my new Disney overlords. Yub Nub!
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