The Geek Double Feature series continues with this pairing in a time of dread. Once again, the two suggested films resemble each other aesthetically and in genre, but the similarities don’t end there. Ready your armor and mount your horses. I’ll show you why you should watch Willow (1988) and Conan the Destroyer (1984) back to back.
As a reminder the Horror Geek Life Geek Double Feature is meant to be enjoyed at your leisure. Don’t operate heavy machinery while in the midst of your Geek Double Feature, but if you want to mix with alcohol that’s your business. A goblet of mead or three will go well with these adventures of the Dungeons & Dragons variety. No camels were hurt in the writing of this feature.
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Okay geeks, you know Willow has finally been released digitally, right? You might own an old DVD or even a *gasp* VHS version of this George Lucas classic (no Special Editions, please, George. Willow, Episode IV: A New Trope is completely unnecessary). This Ron Howard directed adventure starring everyone’s favorite Ewok actor, Warwick Davis, is a masterpiece. Thank you, Bob Dolman, for taking the reins on the screenplay here. Rumor has it, Madmartigan also does not like sand, but very few people like sand. Conan also doesn’t like sand. Maybe Thulsa Doom does. Maybe Frank Herbert does. It’s possible Dejah Thoris likes sand. Doom, Dune, Barsoom, they don’t count. They aren’t part of this Geek Double Feature. Good job on keeping the dialogue fun and engaging, Bob. “Burglekutt, you’re troll dung.” Now that is the kind of insult I can get behind. “Don’t let him talk to you that way, Burglekutt.” Who hasn’t called their bully troll dung to his face? If you were a Nelwyn, you’d understand.
Mix up some of that elegant banter with Stanley Mann’s naturally clunky dialogue in Conan the Destroyer (he can’t be blamed for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s awkward delivery), and you’ve got an evening of RPG-styled drinking games ahead. Drink every time Arnold gives a slight grin after successfully delivering his line, as if to say, “I remembered it that time, Mr. Puny Director-man. Val Kilmer does a little of the same as the reluctant anti-hero Madmartigan.
Take a shot every time someone in the room says John Milius would have written that line better. You can’t use the bathroom until someone in the room says Willow needs a sequel. And it’s time to mix another cocktail every time someone reminds you that Conan the Barbarian is far superior to the sequel. During Willow, you will only take a lightweight sip whenever you hear the insult, “Peck.” You’re going to have to nurse it if you survive. Drink with me if you want to live.
For liability’s sake, and to avoid any blame or litigation because you don’t drink responsibly, let’s say we’re drinking kombucha or green tea. Mead might be a little hard to come by, and your nerd card doesn’t show proof of age.
In Willow, we are introduced to Elora Danan, the Daikini infant who bears the mark of her destiny. She ends up in the care of an unlikely band of bumbling heroes. They must ultimately protect her from the evil sorceress Queen Bavmorda. Sorcery and brawn win over brawn and sorcery.
In Conan the Destroyer, we are introduced to Jehnna, the virgin princess who bears the mark of her destiny. She ends up in the care of an unlikely band of bumbling heroes. They must ultimately protect her from the evil Queen Taramis. Brawn and sorcery win over sorcery and brawn. Drink every time a wizard with a wispy long beard is on screen.
Through the clumsy magic of Willow Ufgood and and Akiro the Wizard, our damsel princesses are saved from their respective prophesied demises. Maybe she’s the same person and she just can’t figure out that Bavmorda and Taramis is the same wicked woman.
Sarah Douglas (Taramis) was our favorite reptilian visitor, Pamela, in V: The Final Battle; and she’s our favorite Kryptonian baddie, Ursa in Superman: The Movie and Superman II (get in line, Zod, she was badder than you). Jean Marsh (Bavmorda) was a villain on Doctor Who before it was cool to like Doctor Who. Elora/Jehnna should have seen it coming. Drink every time Taramis or Bavmorda opens her eyes wider than Arnold can.
In these two ’80s flicks, old friends and thieves battle with gawky creatures and rigid monsters that will make you cringe and beg for digital designs. The fight choreography is comedic and the swordplay is graceless, but somehow both of these films will keep you entertained throughout. Actually, once Madmartigan has a chance to show off his skills, he’s not a bad fighter. Conan is too busy squeezing his pecs and triceps for the camera to really get any impressive fighting done. Drink every time a sword completely misses the victim, but they tumble to their death anyway. Drink every time someone has to pretend to die even when the stunt went bad. No time for another take! We’re going to miss happy hour!
With the giant-sized casting of Wilt Chamberlain and Grace Jones (roles that could have been smaller), and the itsy-bitsy casting of Kevin Pollak and Rick Overton (whose characters’ size mattered not, they stole the show) you will be pointing and sipping constantly. Malak (Tracey Walter) in Conan the Destroyer could easily have been cast as the comedy relief in either film. Drink! Someone made an awkward sexual reference! “My wound is lower.” “We don’t want infection to spread.” “I know what I’m doing. It’s my spear. Leave it alone.” Somebody get Tracey and Kevin’s agents on the phone.
Willow wants to be a silly adventure that doesn’t take itself too seriously, but comes of as a classic tale. Conan the Destroyer wants to be a classic tale that takes itself too seriously, but comes off as a silly adventure. One is your favorite poison. The other is your favorite mixer. Forget your body builder diet. You’ll never look like Arnold anyway.
You’re going to really love the costume designs in both. Some of the props look like they came from a Halloween pop-up store, but that makes it all easier to cosplay, right? Where are the Zula and Sorsha cosplayers? Where are the High Aldwin and Bombaata cosplayers? Drink every time a bone looks like it’s made of plastic.
Slow down, we’re only a half hour into Willow and you’re already being chased out of the village. Kombucha and green tea really gets you blitzed. Maybe turning this into a drinking game wasn’t such a good idea. If you’re plastered before Conan is you’ll miss Arnold’s embarrassing drunk acting. Drink some water every time Conan is oblivious to Olivia d’Abo’s inappropriate advances (Jeez, casting people, she was barely a teenager when she filmed her role). Thank goodness Conan is loyal to his dead girlfriend, Valeria. At length, he sought adventure in distant lands and trod the vajazzled thrones of more appropriate consorts until, at last, he found his own kingdom… but that is another story.
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