10 Retro Toys You Didn’t Know You Wish You Had

December 18, 2018

There are probably more than ten retro toys you didn’t know you wish you had. Let’s face it, if you’re an adult and you wish you had any toy, you probably wish you had all the toys. There’s a good chance, if you are bothering to read this, that you have a number of toys on a shelf somewhere that represent your childhood. These iconic pieces of nostalgia are cherished and valued beyond what any eBay seller could gouge you for. Maybe you have an action figure in a drawer somewhere, and it’s your original, complete with bite marks from when you held it in your teeth as you rode on your bike to your friend’s house. Your pockets were full of the other figures, and this afterthought character became your favorite. Let me guess: It’s your C-3PO that can’t stand on its own anymore because they had to use a different kind of plastic so it would hold the metallic paint. Maybe it’s from a different universe. It’s an original Mego Lizard. Spider-Man was your favorite, but you played with him so much he fell apart. Lizard still holds up despite having a stuffed tail that was sewn to his pants.

So many of us had favorite toys, but do you remember when you heard about a toy after the fact? When you were “too old” and found out that this particular toy existed, you wish you had had it as part of your toy having experience. When we have this conversation with friends, we sometimes hear about their love for something you never knew was so revered. This is a list of ten retro toys you didn’t know you wish you had.

1Space 1999 Stun Gun

Suckers! I had this, and it was amazing. This is just the first of the retro toys you didn’t know you wish you had. You probably had a Star Trek phaser or a Star Wars blaster (yeah, I’m jealous. I had neither), but you didn’t have this space-tacular Space 1999 Stun Gun. It made electronic sounds before killing your enemies with a sonic death ray was fashionable. It projected images on the wall or ceiling of a darkened bedroom. What else is a darkened bedroom for if not for ray gun battles on Moonbase Alpha?

2Stretch Monster

Yeah, we all wanted Stretch Armstrong. Some of us even got the retros that have been released since the vintage original; but the real prize was the kid whose parents sprung for two of these radioactive-syrup-filled heroes. To be more precise, they got the hero (Stretch Armstrong) and the villain (Stretch Monster). Stretch Monster would have been the perfect companion to the 12-inch Mego Hulk. He could have played Abomination, and Hulk could have left a literal impression on him with his punches.

3Mighty Men & Monster Maker

Remember Fashion Plates? There was a Barbie version. You’d get a number of tops and bottoms with bodices and dresses or blouses and skirts, and you could design your own Barbie. Pick your plates and put paper over it. Rub the black crayon over the paper, and the raised areas on the plates became a drawing you could color. Well, there was a MONSTER version of this. The Mighty Men & Monster Maker came with bottom plates, top plates and a head plate so you could Doctor Moreau your own alien snake man with battle fatigues. Get to work and create an unlimited army of ghouls. You had no idea you wanted this.

4Creepy Crawlers Workshop / Thingmaker

Through the ’60s and ’70s, and even part of the ’80s, there were iterations of this concept. You could get a random rubber creepy crawly for fifty cents in a gum-ball machine, or you could get a blister card with two bugs and a snake for $1.99 at the super-market. But doesn’t it make more sense to go into business with the local boys and girls, using your very own Creepy Crawlers Workshop or Creepy Crawlers Thingmaker? Just pour the Plastigoop into the mold, and presto-chango, no need to risk your hands turning the knob on the gum-ball machine. Be careful not to burn your fingers!

https://youtu.be/sJOd3pPUcEo

5Merlin

Before pocket arcades and hand-held game systems, we had Merlin. On the heels of Simon, who could test our memory and our patience, and the patience of our parents, came a hand-held machine that could play multiple games and test our wits. Merlin was a brilliant red telephone-shaped brain that everyone in the family loved. The commercial that claimed someone else in the family always had it was not far-fetched. My brother had it, and everyone wanted a turn.

6Milton Bradley Star Bird

As star and space inspired properties made an impact on the toy industry, everyone wanted the ship their hero flew. Milton Bradley came up with a solution to compete with licensed space ships in the toy aisle. If you tuned your imagination just right, the Star Bird could boldly go where no ship that’s been lost in space had ever gone…it could make the Kessel Run, protect Moonbase Alpha from alien invaders, or blast Cylon Raiders right out of the sky. If the Death Star was still there, it could probably destroy it with its two turbo lasers. They’re building another Death Star you say? Well, let’s tilt the Star Bird in that direction and listen to its engines whir as it pitches and dives. Remove the cockpit to escape the battle and set a course for the eBay System.

7Play-Doh Fun Factory

There have been a ton of iterations of the Play-Doh Fun Factory. What makes this one of the retro toys you didn’t know you wish you had is that very fact. Want to just make pasta or poop a never-ending star? Get the original. There are so many versions of this concept you may never be satisfied. The great thing is Play-Doh is still available. There is a sustainable supply of it that you can use you refuel any number of the Play-Doh Fun Factories you may get your hands on.

8The Visible Man

Timeless model kits like The Visible Man and The Visible Woman taught me almost everything I know about human anatomy. If you like to tinker or build models as a meditation technique, you can still pick up a version of this today. Forget the retro. Go get some model glue and model paint, and start a career in transparent mini-human taxidermy. You’ll have the most fun remembering where the organs go. The Visible Man is one of the ten retro toys you didn’t know you wish you had, but it’s the only one that won’t break the bank. You can get one today for less than the price of some popcorn and the next Invisible Man reboot.

9Weebles Haunted House

If you remember this at all, you probably remember it as being much more creepy and cool. In my memory, there was a pig in the window that only showed up at 3:15 AM, and there was a brick wall in the basement that oozed blood. Does anyone else remember that? I guess I’m mixing it up with something else. I still want this. I want the glow-in-the-dark ghost. I want the frightened family. I want the witch. I want the play set that I asked for but never got when I was a kid. You didn’t know it, but you want it, too.

10Easy Bake Oven

Yeah, that’s right. The Easy Bake Oven. I credit the Easy Bake Oven for encouraging generations of young chefs to eventually implode on Chopped. In fact, I think they should do an episode of Chopped where everyone must use the Easy Bake Oven to make their appetizer, entree, and dessert. Everything would be cloyingly sweet, and would upset the judges…and someone would still have to win. If only you knew this was one of the ten retro toys you didn’t know you wish you had you’d own your own restaurant by now.

As a boy in the ’70s, I didn’t dare ask for this, but I sure did encourage my sister to want one. She eventually got it…from a garage sale. We put in a bulb with too many watts and destroyed it. You’ve been chopped.